On April 14th 2020, I had a low point. My hypothesis at the time was that it was probably due to the quarantine or the fact that I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything especially not doing things that usually keeps me sane such as playing badminton for example.
However, it only took a brief conversation with myself and my brother to realize that my hypothesis was wrong. Or at least not completely true. I mean, of course, there are lots of factors that influence one’s mood and being stuck at home is definitely one of them, but I don’t think it would be enough to deteriorate my mood to this point. No, something bigger was at play here.
I honestly think it coincides with the moment I got my injury, which also happened to be my last year of University or, as I like to call them, my good years. If I was real with myself, I’d say that nothing was the same from that point onward and whether it’s specifically because I got injured or that my years as a student ended, I am unsure. One thing I am sure of is that I had a very good mindset back then and now… well it’s a bit broky.
I am well aware that I can probably go see a therapist and work on the past in order to try and fix whatever happened back then, but I’m the type of guy who likes to look forward instead of backward. Also, another part of me believes that accepting the past and moving on is only part of the equation and so, I’ll concentrate on the part that is more fun to me and doesn’t cost me 100$ per session 😊.
Anyway, let’s concentrate on the problem shall we? What exactly is my problem and the whole premise of why I’m writing this series? It’s simple. My mindset is broken, unhealthy and in turn is making myself, as a human being, broken. Now, I’ll admit that broken is a big word because I haven’t experienced anything traumatizing enough that I’m truly broken, so instead I can use the word partially broken. Sorta like a fracture and partial fracture. My mindset is damaged, but not totally ripped up !
The majority of it comes from the fact that I do a lot of negative self-talk. As my brother said, there’s a dissonance between the current me and the future me that I envisioned in my head (whether it’s a future me created by me or, what I think is the current reality, a future me created by consuming too much information on what I “should” be). This means that I am constantly reprimanding myself on things that I “should” be doing or how I “should” be acting instead of facing reality and enjoying the present moment.
One example of this is the fact that, in the future, I’d like to view myself as someone who gets things done quickly and efficiently. Thus, whenever I envision doing something, I should be able to complete it in a timely manner. The problem is, in reality, at the moment, I’m a procrastinator so I’m really really bad at completely big tasks in one swoop. But fret not Nick, I came up with a solution, which is to take baby steps and complete the task in many steps instead of just one. The problem is, future me is telling me that I’m taking baby steps just to feel satisfied of doing something when in fact, I’m not really doing anything “grand”. That’s just one example, but it can be applied to almost anything that I do. Consequently, at the end of the day, I never feel truly satisfied with what I did because I never do enough to satisfy future me. At the same time, if I try to do too much, I usually end up not completing all my to-do list and end up disappointing current me and bringing my self-esteem / self-confidence even lower. It’s a curse, I tell you, a curse !! And I needed help so I decided to call my real life coach.
Okay, he’s not really my life coach, but he’s able to tell me things straight, in an understanding manner and can actually tell me useful stuff. Plus it doesn’t cost me a dime (wow !).
We both came to the conclusion that before doing anything other project or starting a company or trying to help people, the very first step I needed to do was fix my goddamn mindset because it was something that will affect anything I decide to do.
That being so, I decided that my current “project” is trying to fix my mindset. The reason why is I call a project is because I always seem to need to be doing something so to make myself feel better, I’m viewing this a project. Additionally, I was trying to find books that I can read, you know a “quick fix” to my problem (obviously current me would be looking for that !) and I couldn’t find anything that was specific to my problem. That’s why I’m writing this. It’s not really a book and it’s definitely not professional, but this is something that might definitely help me later on because… well it’s written by me !! 😂
My first 3 “action” steps:
*In bold are the definitive action steps that I need to take, the others are just stuff I’d like to do.
- Tell Alex (my brother) 3 things that made me happy during the day and rate my happiness from 0 to 10.
- Be aware of whenever I’m doing negative self-talk.
- For now, I want to stop consuming any form of self-help media (especially video form), I think I’ll go back to reading though.
Entry 001, over.