Journey to fixing my mindset: Continuation 001

It’s been exactly a week since I’ve gone through a massive mindset shift. On the night of April 14th to April 15th, my brain started rewiring and rearranging itself to what I believe is going to be a monumental transformation. Ignoring the whole Covid19/lock-down situation, my happiness has made a 360 where I went from averaging 3-4/10 to averaging a bit north of 6/10. I need to add that I don’t ever think I’ll get to 9/10 or 10/10 while being in lock-down, there’s just not enough things to do and not enough socialization going on.

During my last coaching sessions (for now) with my life coach, Dave, I was able to reflect back on what had actually caused this transformation. Now, I know, I know, it’s only been one week and it is too early to say that I’ve managed to attain a transformation that is long-lasting; however I can comment on the change of attitude I’ve experienced during this past week.

I was someone who was constantly mentally beating myself-up because he thought he was constantly competing with a future-self that might never exist. A future-self that, by all standards, would have no flaw. How do I know that? Well, simply because I created that future-self. Out of thin air. Well actually, maybe not out of thin air, more like taking all the greatest characteristics from everyone that I look up to and putting them all in one single being. And of course, I would never think of any flaws in this design because, well, who would consider flaws in their future-self.

So there was that, a constant need to compete with a future, non-existent, perfect version of myself. I was also dreading my working days. 8 whole hours doing something I thought was absolutely boring and unfulfilling and a ever present feeling that I had to get out of there NOW if not, I’d risk losing my mental sanity. Unfortunately for me, life didn’t move quite as fast as in my own mind. Indeed, although I knew that it would take somewhere between 3-6 months to do a decent career transition, like in my head, I KNEW that information, but somehow I was putting pressure on myself as if I had to do a 1-2 weeks career transition.

And you would think since I had such an unrealistic time frame for a career transition that I’d already had a full plan and I knew where I wanted to go right? Well, you are wrong. I didn’t know where I wanted to transition, all I knew was that I wanted to transition ASAP. This led to a tricky situation where I would fire-off all cylinders of my brain into thinking 24 hours a day, no matter what I was doing externally, about what I wanted to do forever. Ahh, error number 2. Yes, you read that right. I didn’t want to know my transition for the next 2-3 years. No, I wanted to know what I wanted to do forever RIGHT NOW. Needless to say, I was (and still am) pretty impatient in life. How do I know that I wanted to find my forever? Well, simply because every time I’d look at a job posting, I’d imagine myself doing that for 10 years and was like “nahhh, I couldn’t be doing that for that long.” WITHOUT EVER TRYING IT ! WITHOUT THINKING THAT IT MIGHT JUST BE 2-3 YEARS ! Consequently, I was turning down every single job posting without ever applying for them.

Can you imagine part of the pressure I was feeling? In my mind, I had to find exactly what I wanted to do forever, I had to actually find a computer that had that “dream position”, apply, interview, get the job, all the while executing everything in my personal life to perfection (because I wanted to be my future, perfect self) and all that, in 2 weeks time ! PHEWWWW you was a crazy bastard Nick hahahha

I mean there are full of questions that I’d have to answer. Like why was I feeling this pressure? Why did I want to find what I want to do forever, now? Why did I want to become my future-self so quickly? I have to admit that part of it is because deep down, no matter what I say to people, I do want to become a millionaire. I do want to become famous. I do want to have success. One to prove everyone wrong and be “that guy”. Two because I’m simply curious to know how it feels to be on top of that mountain man. I always criticize rich and famous people, but who says I won’t act exactly like them when I get there? And the only way to know is to get there.

So, that was me on April 14th, on the height of my negative mindset.

From April 15th onward, I’ve become someone who can binge TV shows without feeling bad (finished Money Heist, up to date with Kingdom (manga), currently watching Outer Banks & The Last Dance), who takes walks every single morning for 30-40 minutes, who has been doing yoga for 20-40 minutes every day after work, who has stopped thinking about his future and started enjoying his days more, who restarted reading, who, on 4/20, coded his first no-code app with Glide in 2 hours, who has applied to 2 positions and had a lot of fun writing the cover letter for one of them (PM internship role), overall , who’s happiness went from 3/10 to 6.08333333/10 (tracking it on my happiness app that I created with Glide haha) and who has the average energy of what a normal person would have when they’re really excited.

What the hell changed?

Did I change my job? Nope.

Did I win the lottery? Nope.

Did I find my passion? Nope.

Did I gain super powers? Not exactly.

There’s only one thing that changed and it’s in the title of my blog post. That’s right. My Mindset. I answered “not exactly” to the super power question because some part of me believes that if I gain complete mastery on my mindset, it’ll become some sort of super power.

After talking with Dave, I identified 3 things that were the catalysis for this weird event:

  1. My conversation with Alex was the first step that unlocked my brain to being more receptive to external information.
  2. I started reading “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” by Dale Carnegie, which opened my eyes to the truth that I was spending most of my living hours, not only thinking about the future, but actively worrying about the future.
  3. Finally, the last catalyst was re-reading 2 messages written by my friends Catherine and Laurie at the end of my high school graduation year book, which reminded me that most of the happiest moments in my life were spent with friends and that I wanted to become someone positive, energetic and overall fun to be around with. Always.

I will probably do an in-depth breakdown of all 3 catalysts in later posts, but for now, I leave with this:

I am very well aware that this “high” that I’ve been experiencing for the past week, is exactly that: a “high”. But some part of me believes that this is how high-achieving, happy people feel most of the time and that it’s possible to operate with this level of energy and positiveness if I learn how to turn this mentality on in my darkest moments. As a result, some part of me is looking forward to my next bad day so that I can know if I’ll be able to turn “this” back on or if this is just a temporary wall that will get broken down after a few battles.

Update from one day after writing this: My high wore off today hahahhaa

Until next time,

PEACE.